“But Griffin, Black Friday’s still two whole weeks away! Why write this article now?”
I’m writing a Black Friday guide two weeks from Black Friday for the same reason I’d write a zombie survival guide before the apocalypse; once the first old lady kills someone over a PS4, all plans will dissipate and hell will break loose.
Black Friday is a great time for gamers. It allows us to catch up on console releases, get the overhyped triple-A titles at a lower price, and be reminded of why we rarely like going outside in the first place. That being said, 7 people have died on Black Friday since 2006 and 90 people have been gravely injured, so this isn’t a day you want to go into unprepared.
That’s why I, Griffin Cost, gamerheadlines.com’s resident jaded, psychopathic, possibly paranoid-schizophrenic authority on all things stupid, have put together a definitive checklist for anyone going into the dangerous jungles of Wal-Mart or Best Buy on American consumerist D-Day.
For those about to shop, we salute you.
PART I-OUTLINE YOUR MISSION
If Lord of the Flies has taught me anything, its that people, if not given direction or purpose, will kill you over a conch and a broken pair of glasses. Just imagine what they’ll do for an XBOX One.
You’re a civilized man not because you wear clothes and drink more Coca-Cola than the entire population of North Korea has ever seen. Your purpose, be it collecting a paycheck or reading my articles until you’ve memorized every word (a noble calling, indeed), is what keeps your head straight and your spine slouched. You NEED a reason to be at a store on Black Friday, a payload, where you can at some point definitively say “I don’t need to be here anymore” and high tail it out of there before the hipsters come in and flay you with their wallet chains for that Heisenberg T-Shirt.
Most people enter Black Friday wanting to get some good “deals” or a “new console”. Deals on what? Which console?
“Oh, I’ll see what they have when I get there.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oPUpCiGKBA
News flash: YOU WON’T “SEE WHAT THEY HAVE WHEN THE GET THERE”.
The only thing you’ll be seeing is a primal side of your Math Professor that you didn’t think existed, but has been brought out by the mating pheromones released by a Black Friday flatscreen.
This is not a time to be perusing store shelves, holding your kids, or explaining to them how they used to sell record players in some particular part of the store. In fact, if you bring your kids with you on Black Friday, you’re probably too stupid to have read this far in the article.
Figure out before you leave-do you want a PS4, an XBOX One, a Wii U, a TV-and make a list. As in, physically write it down. You’re not bringing it with you, of course, no no no. You’re going to memorize that mother before you go. People can barely move on Black Friday, let alone take time to read a hand-written or phone-stored shopping list in the chaos. You, like everyone else there, are a mercenary, You take no prisoners. You get in and you get out. You don’t be a hero.
Part 2 of this estimated 3-part series should becoming within the next 12 hours. Follow me on twitter for updates on the next article and other news stories.
Stay frosty, readers, and keep your eyes glued to gamerheadlines.com, your one-stop site for tech buzz, gaming news, and reviews for the releases that matter to YOU.