For those of you who didn’t read part I of my Black Friday guide, click here and take a gander, then come back for part II. Do it for the good of mankind.
12-9=3. Not counting work, you’ve had 3 hours to compile your Black Friday “hit-list” and get your daily fix of WoW. Hold off on the Dew and Doritos for now, because your Black Friday preparations aren’t over just yet, player.
As an analytic observer of human nature and regular reader of 1900’s philosophy, I know most of you in your infinite (yet subtle) egoism decided to forgo reading part 1. Here’s the gist; go in with a plan, know what you want, and don’t be afraid to hit back. Pepper spray can only do good things when it comes to getting your hands on that Destiny PS4 bundle before everyone else.
Speaking of everyone else…
PART II-KNOW THINE ENEMY
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is hailed as a masterpiece the world over as one of the greatest books ever written about military strategy, and in this contributor’s humble opinion, its just as applicable to everyday life as it is the battlefield. We’ll be applying one quote in particular to our Black Friday attack plan:
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
You have taken the time to make a battle plan and know what you truly want. That’s more introspection than most of the American population will ever force themselves through. You do not know yourself like a Buddhist monk might, but unlike that monk you know what an XBOX One is and that you want it for cheap. That’s progress, mate.
However, seeing as you only have one real shot at the Black Friday goods, and according to the Chinese you’ve got a 50/50 chance at success in your current state, you can’t just stop there; you need to know the enemy as well.
For the sake of yours and everyone else’s squirrel-like attention spans, we’re going to look only at the most dangerous archetypes of the Black Friday shopper in a language we can all understand.
RPG stat cards.
WHITE TRASH
Class: Deprived
Race: Too sunburnt to be white, too pale to be red.
Stat Bonuses: +2 Strength, -2 Intelligence, -8 Wisdom, +7 Endurance
Level Minimum: 69
Level Maximum: 420
Strong against: Logic,
Weak against: Doritos, Mountain Dew, iFunny, Jangling Keys, John Cena
Description: White Trash comes in many shapes and sizes, though can be distinctively recognized by the backwards hat-shaped growth on their foreheads and the distinct smell of a K Mart Bathroom. Alone, they are easily dispatched or avoided, though they are known to travel in groups. While males are typically aggressive in speech only, like with wild lions, the women are the ones who have to watch out for. Their claws, fermented in half-cooked crystal meth and able to rally an army of her deformed children at a moments notice, are to be avoided at all costs. If they’re wearing a tapout shirt and have a tribal tattoo, you’re in the clear. If they have more articles of clothing on than they have teeth, avoid contact.
OLD WOMEN
Class: Upper-Middle
Race: Variable
Stat bonuses: Base zero for all. They have nothing to lose.
Level minimum: 65
Level Maximum: 127
Strong against: Nothing in particular
Weak against: Sewing circles, The View, Pudding,
Description: Despite having no exceptional qualities and being weaker than your average Shinji Ikari, old women are, as I’ve hinted at in part 1, dangerous as all heck. Think about it like this; you’ll rarely see a Black Friday shopper who has never been Black Friday shopping before. This old woman, for whatever reason, in spite of the fact that a gentle jog should stop her heart immediately, has managed to survive decades of Black Friday mayhem. In essence, she is unpredictable, has no real reason to play it safe, and doesn’t NEED to be able to cross the street alone to knock you down and out.
RETAIL WORKERS
Class: High School, College or Grad School
Race: Depends on the Store and Area
Stat Bonuses: +10 Sanity, decreases by 1 every customer served until their shift is over
Level Minimum: 4.95
Level Maximum: 9
Strong against: managerial direction, basic math, small talk
Weak against: their job, their clientelle, making change for anything but a few bills (Seriously, go to McDonald’s some time, get a $1.27 meal, and pay for it with a one bill, a penny, a dime, and quarter and see how long it takes the High Schoolers to figure it out)
Description: The retail workers are already overworked, tired, and dreading Black Friday. On top of this, they have to deal with all of the other archetypes named and unnamed, for eight hours, taking more abuse than the customers but not being able to hit back. You never know how many insults they can still take before they finally snap and shove that brand new nerf gun right up little Timmy’s potato launcher. Dealing with the clerks should be handled as if one were disarming a bomb or dealing with John Rambo. Be gentle, but be quick, and don’t forget to lightly grab their shoulder and thank them for their service.
Part III is coming sometime tomorrow; follow me on twitter to get updates on the new article and other media I’m involved with.
Stay frosty, readers, and keep your eyes glued to gamerheadlines.com, your one-stop site for tech buzz, gaming news, and reviews for the releases that matter to YOU.