It’s that time of year when I get myself all excited about E3 and the new games coming out. Unfortunately, what I really want isn’t a new game, but an old game. After Shinji Hashimoto’s little stunt back in 2014 I lost all hope that the game that changed my life and blew my mind would ever be remade.
These days the mere mention of a Final Fantasy VII remake makes me feel like I am on the receiving end of Cactuar’s 1000 thousand needle attack. I spend a lot of time thinking about this topic, especially when a new Final Fantasy game arrives. When Final Fantasy XIII arrived I enjoyed it, but it just didn’t feel like a Final Fantasy game. It was amazing, it was innovative and it got a sequel, but… it just felt like a standalone game that someone had slapped the Final Fantasy logo on to.
The CEO of Square Enix told us that they wouldn’t remake Final Fantasy VII until they made a game that bested it. Now in my opinion there have been Final Fantasy games better than VII, but there is something about VII that to this day captures people’s hearts and imaginations. The offshoot games, Before Crisis, Crisis Core, G-Bike, the Dirge of Cerberus games, the movie and the On The Way To A Smile series are all testaments to that. It used to seem strange to me that Square Enix was dragging their feet to make something that would practically print money. I thought to myself “There must be good reasons behind this” and the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize why.
Here are just a few reasons Final Fantasy VII will never be remade:
It Is Too Contreversial
Final Fantasy VII contains more controversy than all of the Grand Theft Auto-Games and the only reason it gets away with it is because it’s so pixelated.
Terrorism:
Let’s make this clear. Final Fantasy VII starts off in the midst of a terrorist attack and you are the terrorist. No matter how noble Barret Wallace’s intentions are they still involve multiple bombings and the death of thousands of people. Perhaps in a more innocent time Final Fantasy would have had a chance, but these days glorifying a group of extremists would never be accepted, especially by the mainstream media who make it their mission to demonize gaming as something that causes violence and sexism.
Sex, Prostitution, and Rape:
Final Fantasy VII wasn’t shy at all when it came to any of these subjects. Considering if you made a wrong move at the Honeybee inn you could end up you could end up getting gang raped by several guys and again in Don Corneo’s Mansion. Also, the Honeybee Inn was a brothel, a bee themed brothel. People would go absolutely crazy to see hostesses getting ‘sticky’ at the Honeybee inn. Anita Sarkeesian might explode and that’s before the Don kidnaps a few female characters and we discover his secret bondage room in the basement. Two separate occasions where women are held hostage by an overweight man with an intense libido? Haha, it wouldn’t last a day outside of Japan. Oh and let us not forget Jessie giving us a ‘special’ ID at the start of the game.
You didn’t think I would forget to mention Cloud’s crossdressing would you? Yes, I am aware that he wasn’t exactly doing it for recreational purposes, but he was rather easy to sway. While I don’t think that Final Fantasy VII was mocking the LGBT community in the slightest way, I know how the media works. It wouldn’t be too terrible if you didn’t have to score the wig you needed of some uber masculine transsexuals in a gym. There is no way that would be PC enough to get an approval rating these days.
Racial Stereotyping:
Did you ever notice that Barret is the only black man in Final Fantasy VII? Much like Giovanni from Pokemon is the only Italian and he runs a huge crime syndicate Barret is the only black man in the game and not only is he a terrorist leader from the slums he is also probably a distant relative of Mr.T. If the game was remade we couldn’t possibly get away with the only black man being a criminal from the ghetto.
Bestiality: Remember when Aeris gets kidnaped and Hojo has that brilliant idea to… revive her species by getting her to… mate with our favorite cat-wolf Red XIII? yeah, I doubt that would be something we could get away with in this day and age.
Though I suppose bestiality is legal in some places over in America I still don’t think it’s something that will be making its way to our screens anytime soon. Also, let’s not forget that Red XIII had puppies at the end of the game/beginning of the movie. Considering he is the last of his species something fishy went on there.
So Much Death, Blood, and Gore:
Final Fantasy is a game that has rivers of blood running through its history. It wasn’t as noticeable when it was all polygons and red streaks, but in HD I imagine that seeing the hallway completely covered in blood would be horrific. Think of all the deaths that didn’t seem graphic as polygons; President ShinRa found dead at his desk with a sword in his back, Palmer getting hit by a plane, Aeris’ death, Vincent being tortured by Hojo, Zack being shot to death, Dyne’s suicide, Aeris’ mother dying on the street. The only reason this was ever okay was because everything was too pixelated to make out, in HD and in line with the story this could actually be horrific. If that doesn’t have you convinced just remember JENOVA doesn’t even have a head and her minions have an annoying habit of transforming into Silent Hill-esque atrocities.
Character That Need Pixelation As A Censor:
Some of the characters in Final Fantasy VII I really don’t want to see in HD. I don’t want to have to witness the jiggle physics of Tifa’s intensely large bust when she does a dolphin kick, I don’t want to see that HD squat competition, I don’t want to see a HD Don Corneo, I definitely don’t want to see a HD Dio in nothing but a speedo. Most of all, I don’t want to see a HD Professor Hojo in Costa Del Sol surrounded by half naked women. My ego wouldn’t be able to take the fact that a mad scientist in his 60s is considered ‘hot’. Characters like Scarlet and Rosso the Crimson are are two femme fatales who would cause a stir with their… Feminine Charms. Oh and let’s not forget HD JENOVA, nothing will justify a HD eyeball boob to me ever
Swearing:
Between Cid and Barret the F-bombs being dropped alone would be enough to take out the Mako Reactors.
The Game Won’t Hold Up Under Scrutiny
I love the game to pieces, but there are many things in the original that don’t quite make sense and I’m not talking about Aeris’ awful translations.
Aeris The Unobtainable:
We know that ShinRa has been aching to get their midst on Aeris since she was a child… So why didn’t they? You know for a fact they could have snatched her at any time and that Tseng and Zack were both well aware of where she was. It seems as if Tseng may have had something to do with not letting her get captured, but I don’t think even that sarcastic turk had that much power.
Chase After Sephiroth:
So we find a Sword buried in the president’s back and suddenly Cloud is like: “Yo I know this Sword! This is the Sword of a guy who died years ago, he must be alive, he must have traveled all the way here and stabbed the president and then disappeared like Batman into the night!” I can forgive Cloud, considering he was being mentally lead by Sephiroth, but why on earth would the rest follow him? Why did nobody tell him that finding someones sword in someones back does not mean they have risen from the grave?
Sephiroth’s Parentage:
If there was a remake there would need to be some clarity about Sephiroth’s parentage. I will go Jeremy Kyle here and put Vincent, Hojo and Lucrecia down with JENOVA’s head on the table until this mystery is solved. Technically Hojo admitted to being Sephiroth’s father, but Vincent seemed very surprised by this and some strange moments in Dirge of Cerberus lead fans to question where those handsome genes are coming from. It doesn’t help that Sephiroth and Vincent look very alike when compared side by side.
The WEAPONS Are Incredibly Dumb:
Now I realize the WEAPONS were not real ones like Chaos and Omega, but merely, robots created by the Cetra, but come on. They all decide to go Godzilla on major towns and cities even though they all start off right next to the problem-The Northern Crater.
Fear of Failure
This is the main reason Final Fantasy VII will not be remade. Messing up a remake of Final Fantasy VII has the possibility of ending Square Enix and with their current reputation there is a distinct feeling that they do not have the skill to do this game justice. The mixed successes of the Offshoot games especially Crisis Core and Dirge of Cerberus don’t inspire confidence.
So perhaps it is best that Final Fantasy remains the game of legend. The one that is mentioned in every ‘Top 10 deaths’ and is so ingrained into video game lore that people from all over the world scream “Overrated!”. Perhaps, it is best that we let sleeping dog lie until a time when Final Fantasy VII is ready to be released. The thing that scares me is that it probably won’t be in my lifetime.
Original Author: Stephanie Smith